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What exactly is the victim mentality of chronic illness sufferers? People with chronic (sometimes autoimmune, sometimes not) issues who wallow in self pity, consistently.
I see it over and over and over and over again.
Quite frankly, it riles me up. Mostly because I’m a “fixer.” I want to fix everyone to make them healthy, happy, successful, etc. When I see someone who I think I can help, it takes everything in me not to word vomit everything I want them to know and implement.
(I’m not so reserved when it comes to family).
But honestly, I see it as a waste of time and energy.
These people would rather spew to the internet what is terrible about their lives, all the horrid symptoms they can’t control, all the ignorant things people say to them, instead of diving into magazines, blogs, podcasts, support groups and see what they can DO to better themselves.
This concept of helping and improving yourself through avenues that you can control is a major theme throughout my book, “The Complete Guide to Crohn’s disease & Ulcerative colitis: A Road Map to Long-Term Healing.” You can read more about what is in the book here, or find it on Amazon.
That may sound insensitive, but I promise you it’s coming from a place of love, and from I’ve-been-there-before and there are better ways to live!
You see, I have had Crohn’s for 11 years now. You may know I was diagnosed young, at age 12. I adjusted fine but I definitely saw myself as a victim for a long time. I was also a kid and reluctant to my diet change and taking so many supplements. But once I actually realized some foods were destroying my body and others nourished my body and kept me healthy, I turned a corner.
I became more passionate about eating nutrients and less concerned with missing conventional foods. Disclaimer: I still miss and occasionally “cheat” or treat myself. More about that here.
I most commonly see this in Facebook groups. I used to belong to a lot of closed Facebook groups specific to people with IBD. Yet, every time I signed on, I saw negative posts clogging my news feed and I couldn’t stand it any longer.
Even worse, I chimed in once in a while and got shot down. If someone asked what they should be eating because they were newly diagnosed or were at their wit’s end and needed some advice, I shared what worked for me. ALWAYS with the caveat that it worked for me. Or I’d share that there is evidence that gluten is known to be an instigator in autoimmune issues, so eliminating that would be a good first step.
And people would jump down my throat.
“Just because it worked for you doesn’t mean it’s going to work for everyone.”
“I eat gluten and I feel fine.”
Etcetera, etcetera.
So, I said “Sayonara!” (I love that word, don’t you?) and simply left the groups. Sometimes I forget I can remove myself from online communities.
As I said, I understand where these people are coming from. I was angry and felt helpless for a while. I understand it’s not fair you or I have a disease deemed incurable. No, it’s not fair. But we all know there are a lot of things in life that aren’t fair. But we still get a life to live even if it’s not perfect.
Therefore, it’s a waste of time to complain constantly. Everyone is allowed a pity party once in a while or a good venting session. Sometimes, you might just feel down in the dumps. That’s okay, but when you let the negativity take over your life, you let the disease become you.
Additionally, I am a huge believer that negative thoughts have a direct impact on health. So I believe the never-ending cycle of hatred for a disease will only produce more of whatever the person is focusing on.
That’s why I won’t ever go back to seeing Crohn’s disease as a handicap, a disability, a betrayal, or a disadvantage. Because I have Crohn’s disease I got interested in learning about our food supply. That lead me to buy organic, non-gmo, supporting pasture-raised animals, and local farmers producing food the right way. I changed the course of my career, starting this blog, becoming and NTP, and writing a book. Not to mention being connected to people with IBD every day who need my help.
I see now that this was a blessing originally in disguise, but now it’s completely clear to me.
What about the “poor addicts” why is their mentality so much more important then CPP, CPP don’t want your kitty, we just want THE proven medications that allow us to love our life. THE government has created a world of poor as me addicts, tbey no longer have any responsibility for their own choices,, but CPP who didn’t ask to be injured or diseased , let’s just let them rott in self pitty and deny them and form of pain relief.
I think the term “victim mentality” is unhelpful and as there is enough discounting coming from the healthy world, we don’t need to add more shame and blame and labels to our fellow spoonies.
I see lots of helpful and interesting articles and posts online, and sometimes there are emotions involved in those writings because that is a relevent part of their lives. Take what you need and leave the rest.
To say that those you encountered have this mentality is just as much a grievance as they engage in with their statements, labeled as pessimistic, negative, etc. yet yours like theirs are all part and parcel of the human condition. It doesn’t “solve” the illnesses but like their remarks, it is a form of venting. I guess that is sometimes just what people need to do before they can move on to what can be done about the particular circumstance they’re in.
I belong to a Facebook group where the Admin goes through some really bad days and publicly talks about it. Sometimes nothing she tries helps. If I were to write her off as merely a complainer I would miss all the loving and wonderful things she also contributes to the group.
I’ve learned not to react to everything I read, otherwise it would drag down my own health further. The people you speak of may have uncontrolled pain, or some other health problem specific to their body that you or I do not, and therefore have trouble relating to. They may have different biochemical needs or process medications or foods differently than I do, so I have adopted a live and let live aproach to others’ paths which may not be the same as mine. Sometimes the best way you can help is just to validate the person’s experience and move on to the next part of what you’re doing or another activity.
I get all kinds of email notifications. If I find something of interest or of help or somewhere where I can help somebody else I read and might respond. If not, I just go on to something else.
I think in this instance a negative + a negative does not = a positive.
Keep working towards the outcome you want and it will multiply and spread.
I understand where you are coming from, however I am not shaming or blaming anyone. I have had Crohn’s disease for 11 years. I understand what it is like to have a chronic illness.
We know that our thoughts and feelings affect us physically. That is why I personally don’t dwell on my problems. This podcast episode with Dr. David Hanscom is extremely insightful on this topic https://balancedbites.com/episode319/.
Additionally, this needs to be brought to light because aside from the people needing an occasional vent-sesh or pity party (we all need it once in a while) or those who are terribly ill and speaking about it, negativity in the chronic illness community in rampant. Many people agreed with me that they had to change their thinking, too before they could really heal. https://www.instagram.com/p/BdsbGIPAA6N/?taken-by=girlinhealing
I hope you understand my position is coming from a place of LOVE because I have been in this mindset before and it did not help me heal any faster. Everything I do is to help those with IBD and other autoimmune illnesses live better lives.
A thought-provoking post. I think that sometimes it can be too hard to get yourself inspired and motivated towards ways to help yourself, thus falling into that victim style mentality. However, it’s a cycle that’s so important to break out of and it’s one of the reasons I find a lot of groups/FB support pages etc quite detrimental because too often it’s negativity drawing on other negativity and feeding off of it, which only makes a difficult situation worse. Great post!
Caz x
Thanks for sharing! I agree, it can be hard to see outside of this mindset when you are in it. And those support groups were more hurtful than helpful for me!
Best of health to you,
Alexa